i've found a crack....

look here, in the place where this bit of armor crosses that one... when i bend, just so, the brightest clearest light pours through... this crack in my defenses is growing, the light is becoming brighter and it is becoming easier and easier to move...

answering my own question...

Well over a year later I can answer my own question... what do you do now?

You get into a new relationship with a sexy complicated all too young man who makes you feel almost as pretty as you deserve to feel some of the time. Just enough to keep you knowing it can feel that good but never enough to make you feel safe or held or completely settled. I know this sounds bitter. Its not.

You love him...you really really do, and you know what? He loves you back. The love is born from a deep friendship that should never have been acted upon sexually this soon. But it was sweet and fun and lovely... but it wasn't supposed to be so serious or last so long. You weren't supposed to really love him. But you do.

We broke up in November 2009, exactly 1 year after my "what now blog".

We were both broken and our ragged edges meshed in such a familiar way. I wish we had waited 10 years to say yes to that fire. Because then we may have understood what we were for each other. Instead it is now 2010 and I am again/still wondering, WTF do I do now?

..... and twenty something? only for 5 more months.

learning about love ,again, @ 29....

As the world continues forward and the lines around my eyes begin to bother me a little less when they refuse to go away while I relax my face. I still love me a late night party, I'm not ready for kids, (tough I do think about them as a possibility more these days) and I still demand adventure from myself and the people I love on a regular basis. And, I find increasing pleasure in earlier nights, sunrises I didn't stay up to see and the simply joy of soup in my crockpot. But above all that I'm discovering a love that dosen't hurt all the time.

Recently, I realized I'm recovering from an affinity for dramatic relationships... both lovers and friends. The rush I once found in reacting to the ways other lived is being replaced by a genuine interest the the joy of those I love. My interest in knowing everyone and what they are doing has tempered. I've thinned the herd and now prefer to spend my time with genuine friends and lovers. I simply have no space in my life left for such things.

Ah... there is one real challenge to this new path. How do I know my lover loves me if he doesn't say so all the time or make grand romantic gestures constantly?

As a year closes on the last time my heart broke I've come to remember some things forgotten. Most of the "I love you"'s became mostly distraction, apology or obligation. The rush of makeup sex was fuled by hope that this time would be different. The desperation that was my wanting towards of my lover was a fire fed by lies. Fed by my desire for something real that would carry us both out of the darkness that was the bitter end.

In true form the world has given me exactly what I have asked for in a lover. A man I can trust who is steady and consistant and who is happier watching a movie wrapped up with me than most anywhere else. But theres something missing, the drama is gone. The charge of that livid cycle is no where to be found.

So, I'm learning to know it's there without all the fuss. I'm learning that the way he loves me is in the days he is away when I don't have to question. It's when I'm down & he puts me first or invites me to put my head in his lap while he finishes a game with the boys. It's there in the way he holds me while were sleeping and in the way I sleep better when he does. And for me, it's in the faith I have in the dreams I see him building every day.

So, while the lines are here to stay and I've slowly become more of a Sunday morning grocery shopper than a late night munchie seeker.... my journey has only just begun. And it's getting better every day.

ask for anything.... i dare you!

at 2:30 pm i put this in my blog...by 3pm it began completely out of nowhere, by 8pm i knew the how...

"I crave fire and adventure and excitement... I want to be turned on by my world and interested in what I see passing through the screen of my life day to day. It's high time something blew my mind and left me breathless in wonder, challenged my vision in the world and pushed me to see something new in it's folds....alright world, I officially invite you to bring it. Push me to the next level, I want to see....show me something new."

but be ready for what it is you ask.

at 3pm I was unexpectedly let go from my nanny position.. yikes scary, but wait I now have three weeks unspoken for.... shit no money.

then i dared to begin dreaming of my road trip into the desert via the Bay through the landscapes that were the backdrops for my past....

by 8pm, with the help of a strong woman who saw my wander lust brimming over, the money figured itself out.

it is now midnight and I am leaving monday morning. I will be back in awhile, when I'm done and not a moment sooner.

so go ahead, ask for what you don't dare dream is possible... but, be ready when it arrives and say YES!

bring it....

As the world is still vibrating from the election of the century this twenty-somethings world rolls right on it's merry way. As the count down to my new job creeps closer yet remains far enough off there is still time for grand adventure, and no small dose of mischief I look at what lays at my feet...

The generous and heartfelt possibility of counseling with my dearly exited ex

~A lover whom can't tell if he is smitten or hard to get and flip flops with regularity between the two.

~A burning urge to take off on some whirl wind road trip adventure and the CC balance to make it happen... if only for that partner in crime to ride shotgun, me with responsible girlfriends at a time like this!

~Numerous small but necessary projects and housekeeping chores that remain marginally interesting

~And one nagging feeling that I'm missing an important memo from the universe....

I crave fire and adventure and excitement... I want to be turned on by my world and interested in what I see passing through the screen of my life day to day. It's high time something blew my mind and left me breathless in wonder, challenged my vision in the world and pushed me to see something new in it's folds....alright world, I officially invite you to bring it. Push me to the next level, I want to see....show me something new.

so this is faith?

Snuggled in cozy around the TV with a handful of my favorite people, after long hours of back and forth poll results. We first watched McCain step out, then Obama step up with an acceptance speech that left me openly crying, goose bumped and amazed. You see, I hadn't really believed it was possible until I saw it happen. My faith in my country was so cynically limp that it simply did not exist...

On my drive home I stopped by to see a friend just off Hawthorne and as I got out of the car I heard the most amazing rumpus coming from the main drag. We bundled up and followed the noise & firework smoke. It was magnetic, drum beats pulled like a primal calling though the night air. Strangers gifted us a half drunk bottle of champagne as we rushed by and without thought to good sense we drank it without question....

Arriving on the corner of Hawthorne where the Baghdad theater marquee still announced in bright lights "2008 elections".... nothing short of madness. The madness of hope, of joy of possibility, the air electric with tribal sounding drums and smoke and voices raised in screams of celebration the likeness of which I've only ever witnessed at a rock show or sports event ... my heart exploded and reached out to join in the sheer celebration of my people. Men in suits reveling with dreadlocks & pink hair, LL Bean embracing hipsters ....everywhere I looked people looked me in the eye right back and joyfully held my gaze.

But where were the drums coming from? I searched the crowd looking for a stage or drum circle or some such organized thing.... and through the crowd I see the crazed eyes of young people with sticks circled around a trash can... making music! this drumming that called us through the night, that drove this crowd to dance and filled my soul with hope was coming from a trash can!

And it struck me, there was no organizer for this party. There was no DJ, band or headliner. There was no predetermined ideal for this gathering ..... this was purely the magnetic pull of a hope shared between people so long held in the darkness. This was a true festival.

The hope and faith and love I soaked up under the lights of the Baghdad theater last night has left me with a warming place in my soul, a feeling unlike any I have ever really known.... something I can only describe as faith in the possibility of my country.

what do you do now?

There is a certain freedom in the loneliness that comes from being a late twenty-something newly single woman. A freedom in sexual partners, a freedom in living situation, lifestyle choices adventure and such..... This is the time when, the desperately sought after solitude that you so wished for while committed to the most recent past love of your life, becomes reality.

What do you do with it now that you have it?

drink not a small amount of bourbon, consider reconciling with ex, then reconsider considering and end up right where you began, connect with old girlfriends and infuse the closet with a few well placed purchasing extravaganzas. Have a one night stand or maybe two. Then find a crush worth crushing on. Get your hair cut have a pedicure and read some enlightening books you've been to busy to pick up. After a few weeks of watching endless movies and checking facebook to see if anyone more interesting than you has chimed in, in some useless and personally relevant way. Check your email again. Consider organizing the new closet, or hanging the art you have packed around for 3 houses in 2 states without ever unpacking, still refuse to admit your life is still not set up for nice wall hanging art of any significant size.

When these mindless tasks have left you broke, beautiful and almost on your own two feet sit down and start a blog, not any blog but one about you, where you are and how you got there. Hoping beyond hope that some twenty something somewhere picks it up and finds some kind of relief from the pages of your short but stellar life thus far. Then laugh at ones own illusions of significance in the universe and let the thought stay un-deleted as a reminder of your own vanity.

And so begins the musings of a twenty-something..... welcome to my world.

I want to say straight out that I am not in a depressed "what am I doing with my life" place. I am excited about my world, I am creative and I work as hard as i play.... the choices laying at my feet are endless, wondrous and vibrant, with all the headache that goes with such things.

Divorced three times and never married I am currently faced with the relevance of the traditional relationship model.... but what else is there available to a woman wanting family and a partner in living? Recently, I took a lover who is poly and that seems interesting in theory, but complicated in practice.... seems an awful lot like dating a few people at a time without ever challenging yourself to really dive into one relationship with your whole self.

Which forces the question: How's that diving in thing workin' out for you so far?

The answer to this question begins with a sarcastic grin and a raised eyebrow, followed by a deeply unimpressive string of memories that will not be finding their way into these pages today..... but I'll say this, it makes a girl wonder.