i've found a crack....

look here, in the place where this bit of armor crosses that one... when i bend, just so, the brightest clearest light pours through... this crack in my defenses is growing, the light is becoming brighter and it is becoming easier and easier to move...

answering my own question...

Well over a year later I can answer my own question... what do you do now?

You get into a new relationship with a sexy complicated all too young man who makes you feel almost as pretty as you deserve to feel some of the time. Just enough to keep you knowing it can feel that good but never enough to make you feel safe or held or completely settled. I know this sounds bitter. Its not.

You love him...you really really do, and you know what? He loves you back. The love is born from a deep friendship that should never have been acted upon sexually this soon. But it was sweet and fun and lovely... but it wasn't supposed to be so serious or last so long. You weren't supposed to really love him. But you do.

We broke up in November 2009, exactly 1 year after my "what now blog".

We were both broken and our ragged edges meshed in such a familiar way. I wish we had waited 10 years to say yes to that fire. Because then we may have understood what we were for each other. Instead it is now 2010 and I am again/still wondering, WTF do I do now?

..... and twenty something? only for 5 more months.