learning about love ,again, @ 29....

As the world continues forward and the lines around my eyes begin to bother me a little less when they refuse to go away while I relax my face. I still love me a late night party, I'm not ready for kids, (tough I do think about them as a possibility more these days) and I still demand adventure from myself and the people I love on a regular basis. And, I find increasing pleasure in earlier nights, sunrises I didn't stay up to see and the simply joy of soup in my crockpot. But above all that I'm discovering a love that dosen't hurt all the time.

Recently, I realized I'm recovering from an affinity for dramatic relationships... both lovers and friends. The rush I once found in reacting to the ways other lived is being replaced by a genuine interest the the joy of those I love. My interest in knowing everyone and what they are doing has tempered. I've thinned the herd and now prefer to spend my time with genuine friends and lovers. I simply have no space in my life left for such things.

Ah... there is one real challenge to this new path. How do I know my lover loves me if he doesn't say so all the time or make grand romantic gestures constantly?

As a year closes on the last time my heart broke I've come to remember some things forgotten. Most of the "I love you"'s became mostly distraction, apology or obligation. The rush of makeup sex was fuled by hope that this time would be different. The desperation that was my wanting towards of my lover was a fire fed by lies. Fed by my desire for something real that would carry us both out of the darkness that was the bitter end.

In true form the world has given me exactly what I have asked for in a lover. A man I can trust who is steady and consistant and who is happier watching a movie wrapped up with me than most anywhere else. But theres something missing, the drama is gone. The charge of that livid cycle is no where to be found.

So, I'm learning to know it's there without all the fuss. I'm learning that the way he loves me is in the days he is away when I don't have to question. It's when I'm down & he puts me first or invites me to put my head in his lap while he finishes a game with the boys. It's there in the way he holds me while were sleeping and in the way I sleep better when he does. And for me, it's in the faith I have in the dreams I see him building every day.

So, while the lines are here to stay and I've slowly become more of a Sunday morning grocery shopper than a late night munchie seeker.... my journey has only just begun. And it's getting better every day.