learning about love ,again, @ 29....

As the world continues forward and the lines around my eyes begin to bother me a little less when they refuse to go away while I relax my face. I still love me a late night party, I'm not ready for kids, (tough I do think about them as a possibility more these days) and I still demand adventure from myself and the people I love on a regular basis. And, I find increasing pleasure in earlier nights, sunrises I didn't stay up to see and the simply joy of soup in my crockpot. But above all that I'm discovering a love that dosen't hurt all the time.

Recently, I realized I'm recovering from an affinity for dramatic relationships... both lovers and friends. The rush I once found in reacting to the ways other lived is being replaced by a genuine interest the the joy of those I love. My interest in knowing everyone and what they are doing has tempered. I've thinned the herd and now prefer to spend my time with genuine friends and lovers. I simply have no space in my life left for such things.

Ah... there is one real challenge to this new path. How do I know my lover loves me if he doesn't say so all the time or make grand romantic gestures constantly?

As a year closes on the last time my heart broke I've come to remember some things forgotten. Most of the "I love you"'s became mostly distraction, apology or obligation. The rush of makeup sex was fuled by hope that this time would be different. The desperation that was my wanting towards of my lover was a fire fed by lies. Fed by my desire for something real that would carry us both out of the darkness that was the bitter end.

In true form the world has given me exactly what I have asked for in a lover. A man I can trust who is steady and consistant and who is happier watching a movie wrapped up with me than most anywhere else. But theres something missing, the drama is gone. The charge of that livid cycle is no where to be found.

So, I'm learning to know it's there without all the fuss. I'm learning that the way he loves me is in the days he is away when I don't have to question. It's when I'm down & he puts me first or invites me to put my head in his lap while he finishes a game with the boys. It's there in the way he holds me while were sleeping and in the way I sleep better when he does. And for me, it's in the faith I have in the dreams I see him building every day.

So, while the lines are here to stay and I've slowly become more of a Sunday morning grocery shopper than a late night munchie seeker.... my journey has only just begun. And it's getting better every day.

what do you do now?

There is a certain freedom in the loneliness that comes from being a late twenty-something newly single woman. A freedom in sexual partners, a freedom in living situation, lifestyle choices adventure and such..... This is the time when, the desperately sought after solitude that you so wished for while committed to the most recent past love of your life, becomes reality.

What do you do with it now that you have it?

drink not a small amount of bourbon, consider reconciling with ex, then reconsider considering and end up right where you began, connect with old girlfriends and infuse the closet with a few well placed purchasing extravaganzas. Have a one night stand or maybe two. Then find a crush worth crushing on. Get your hair cut have a pedicure and read some enlightening books you've been to busy to pick up. After a few weeks of watching endless movies and checking facebook to see if anyone more interesting than you has chimed in, in some useless and personally relevant way. Check your email again. Consider organizing the new closet, or hanging the art you have packed around for 3 houses in 2 states without ever unpacking, still refuse to admit your life is still not set up for nice wall hanging art of any significant size.

When these mindless tasks have left you broke, beautiful and almost on your own two feet sit down and start a blog, not any blog but one about you, where you are and how you got there. Hoping beyond hope that some twenty something somewhere picks it up and finds some kind of relief from the pages of your short but stellar life thus far. Then laugh at ones own illusions of significance in the universe and let the thought stay un-deleted as a reminder of your own vanity.

And so begins the musings of a twenty-something..... welcome to my world.

I want to say straight out that I am not in a depressed "what am I doing with my life" place. I am excited about my world, I am creative and I work as hard as i play.... the choices laying at my feet are endless, wondrous and vibrant, with all the headache that goes with such things.

Divorced three times and never married I am currently faced with the relevance of the traditional relationship model.... but what else is there available to a woman wanting family and a partner in living? Recently, I took a lover who is poly and that seems interesting in theory, but complicated in practice.... seems an awful lot like dating a few people at a time without ever challenging yourself to really dive into one relationship with your whole self.

Which forces the question: How's that diving in thing workin' out for you so far?

The answer to this question begins with a sarcastic grin and a raised eyebrow, followed by a deeply unimpressive string of memories that will not be finding their way into these pages today..... but I'll say this, it makes a girl wonder.